I realize it is perfectly okay to admit you're not okay

Welcome to Poppy’s Blog!

I would like to share a story about my anxiety disorder after the death of my husband. He died of an autoimmune disease that was rare and not treatable. We were happily married for 16 years. I became overwhelmed with sadness and grief.  It was slowly taking over my life and I had to do something about it.

I sat in my living room and could hear the rain as it trickled down the rain gutters from the house.  I stood up and walked towards the window, opened the drape and looked outside.  I squeezed my sunflower bead necklace that my husband gave me for our 10^th anniversary with my left hand.  I had not been feeling like myself lately.  It started with shortness of breath, irregular heartbeat, hot flashes, shaking, lightheadedness and nausea.  I figured I was tired so I would lay down and take a nap.

One day while picking up my granddaughter Sophia from school I had an anxiety attack in the school hallway. The parents started to arrive, and I felt like the hallway was getting smaller. I went into a tunnel and could not hear anything. I squeezed my sunflower necklace and closed my eyes.  I could feel my heart racing, a flush of heat ran through my body and I started to sweat. The next thing I could remember was my granddaughter Sophia tugging at my hand saying, “let’s go grandma, let’s go.” I leaned down and gave her a kiss and she hugged me. I pulled my hanky from my purse and wiped my face. 

It happened again, while I was standing at the grocery store.  The man behind me stood close to me.  I felt his breathing on my neck.  I froze and my heart started to race, the flush of heat went through my body and I started to sweat.  I could feel the sweat bead up on my upper lip, and my glasses got foggy.  I pulled my hanky from my purse and wiped my face and glasses. The cashier asked if I was ok. I always thought if I counted or held my sunflower necklace it would ease the attack.  Nothing worked.  I left the groceries at the store, got into my car and cried. To this day, I don’t remember how I got home, but I did.

As time progressed, the episodes came and went until one day I decided to make an appointment with my doctor. The doctor took my blood and asked a few questions.  He said he would check the blood panels, but he felt it was a case of grief causing the anxiety attacks.  He pulled his stool next to my chair and said, it would be a good idea for me to see a psychologist.

I have been seeing a psychologist for 2 years. I was diagnosed as having “complicated grief, which is frequently associated with an anxiety disorder.”  Today my anxiety is better and my self confidence has returned. I did not realize it was all intertwined. My senses were on high alert, such as growing eyes behind my head and hearing for miles. Due to my profession as a forensic accountant I am highly detail-oriented. But, my senses were on overdrive which made me exhausted. I became a super hero with exceptional sensory skills.

As of today, I am getting better.  I don't worry about what other people think of me. They have never walked in my shoes aka barefoot. Haha! I don’t take anything for granted.  I share, and I am living, loving and learning.

I will end with this note.  I realize it is perfectly okay to admit you’re not okay.

Frank J Espinosa 

04.30.35 - 01.09.2018