Change can be sunshine if you let it in

Welcome to Poppy’s Blog!

I have been busy packing.  It’s a bittersweet ending leaving my cottage, but I did learn a lot about myself. This was the first place that I lived alone after my husband died.

I remember the day I moved in. My daughter helped me unpack and kept reassuring me that I would be ok.  As she drove away, I waved and felt terrified. Charlie my husband’s dog stood next to me as my stomach turned. I know Charlie felt exactly what I was feeling but I took a deep breath and thought of my husband. He would always say “cowgirls don’t cry,” but at this moment I did not feel like a cowgirl. I looked at Charlie and said "well, it’s just me and you kid.” I took Charlie for a walk around our new neighborhood.  It was like I was a child all over again. Going out to explore new territory. I was excited and scared. That night I put Charlie to bed near the closet.  When I got up to use the restroom, he somehow ended up next to the bed and I stepped on him. He let out a cry and I felt bad, so I slept next to him.  The following night I put his bed next to mine and that is where he slept. 

There were days I would sit and look out the window for hours. I felt like a wilting wildflower. I was living on salami, cheese, crackers and grapes.  These were the items we ate when we took our country drives, bicycle rides and picnics. One day, I met a nice man who enjoyed being out in nature. I told him my story and left out no details.  We ended up taking country drives.  We talked about wildflowers, nature and life in general. When I did not feel well I would go home and take a nap.  I gathered flower pods in different areas that we explored which included Modoc county. We planted a garden and grew the smallest carrots in the county. Lol! We even went fishing. He was easy to hang around and fun. Little did he know that I needed help. 

My daughter did some research and found a grieving center.  She drove me over and checked me in.  When I was admitted they said, I was in survival mode.  They supported me and taught me how to grieve.  They explained the grieving process.  Everyone grieves differently.  I had back to back deaths, I lost my mom in 2016 then I took care of my ex-husband who died of cancer in 2017 and then my husband in 2018. I had to write letters to each one of them, it was tough, but I did it.  I cried and cried.  I also wrote a letter to my friend who was very nice to me.  I had one nurse read the letter, she was neighbors, years and years ago with my friend. I was open and honest.  The nurse cried and asked if she could share it with the other nurses at the station.  After that, I had nurses visiting me on a daily basis.  They wanted me to read what I wrote for the day.  One of my letters is framed and hanging at the nurse station.  It was a letter in how I felt abandoned, and forced like a flower bulb to grow.

I must say, I have become a stronger person and can sit in restaurants and coffee shops all by myself. I take my vitamins, exercise and smile, often.  I go grocery shopping and buy food.  I cook and sometimes bake.  That is what you call "progress."  Just for the record, not all positive change feels positive in the beginning.  I wanted to share my story to help others who are grieving.

I will end with this quote.  “There is nothing stronger than a woman who has rebuilt herself.”